Heartfelt poetry from Nina Ni, mother of an autistic son
This is our first time using content provided by someone else. Nina is the mother of an autistic son. She’s originally from China and has lived in Scotland for the last few years, where she’s maintained an online Chinese-language discussion forum on biological interventions for autism.
Nina writes, “Please feel free to help me polish it since you knew I’m Chinese lady and I never wrote English poems before … I had really too much feelings.” I did fix spelling and punctuation in a couple places but, for me, this makes its point eloquently just as it is. What do you think?
I feel controlled by an evil spirit
by Nina Ni
I feel I controlled by an evil spirit,
Since I’m controlled by my beloved son.
My beloved autistic son seems controlled by a strong evil.
In deep silent night, everybody in deep sleep,
But my beloved son looks like a guest.
Wandering in midnight in every room,
He screams, he smashes,
Breaking the silence of the peace night,
Making our hair standing,
Making our heart break.
I feel I controlled by an evil spirit,
Since I’m controlled by my beloved son.
My beloved autistic son seems controlled by a strong evil.
At home, everybody enjoy peace and happiness and relax,
But the evil drive him crazy.
The evil asks him to break every piece of property at home:
Keyboards, computers, mobile phones, lamps, glasses, plates,
Mugs, books, doors, ceilings and floors and his own favourite games etc and etc.
Everything broken made him such big happy.
It is his way to release his feeling.
I don’t know how our human society made in him such big angry.
He can’t see sunshine now
Even it is big sunshine outside.
He closed his eyes in school.
The word he often speaks now is “dark.”
I feel I controlled by an evil spirit,
Since I’m controlled by my beloved son.
My beloved autistic son seems controlled by a strong evil.
I’m a normal human, I’m weak,
I’m sick, I’m dizzy, I’m vomit.
But the evil drive him to force me to drive and drive for him,
To shopping and shopping for him.
I’m breaking down, I’m feeling nearly die.
But my son’s evil still drive him, saying:
“Not allow mum to have any peace at home,
Kick her, pull her, bite her, smash home,
Annoy her overnight.
She will surrender.”
I’m human,
I’m surrender,
I work as slave and in danger.
I feel I controlled by an evil spirit
Since I’m controlled by my beloved son.
My beloved autistic son seems controlled by a strong evil.
When my son smashes,
I try hard to stop him:
“No and No.”
But human voice is so weak
When you say “No and No,”
He smashes More and More.
When my son smashes,
I used to explain him gently:
“This is our home.
Everybody needs to love home.”
But human normal theory can’t make him understanding.
When my son smashes
I used to kneel down with tears.
“Son, please, please no more smashes at home.
Mum is begging you.”
But human feelings can’t move him.
What I saw,
In his young face is full of numb.
Evil is laughing,
But I’m crying.
I feel I controlled by an evil spirit,
Since I’m controlled by my beloved son.
My beloved autistic son seems controlled by a strong evil.
Every time, when I have to leave home to give myself space,
I feel I’m released, I’m escaped.
I ask myself why and why and why.
Oh, It is my beloved home.
He is my beloved only son.
I wish to be with him every moment.
I wish to spend every holiday with him.
I wish to spend every weekend with him.
But why I have to tried so hard to escape him like to escape a devil?
I feel I controlled by an evil spirit,
Since I’m controlled by my beloved son.
My beloved autistic son seems controlled by a strong evil.
I saw lambs eat grass peacefully.
I saw cats sleep soundly.
I saw dogs catch the balls happily.
I saw children play in parks joyfully.
Why my son like a crazy dog keep bark and bark?
Why my son like a wild horse total out of control?
For such and such a long time,
It challenges
Human normal education way.
It challenges
Modern care systems.
It challenges
NHS process way.
I feel I controlled by an evil spirit,
Since I’m controlled by my beloved son.
My beloved autistic son seems controlled by a strong evil.
I’m praying and praying.
“Son, when your soul can wake up?
You are growing up.
You shouldn’t just live for your obsession,
For your rote and compulsory behaviour.”
I’m praying and praying
When our modern society
Can find a solution for autism.
I’m praying and praying
When our modern society
Can have more flexible emergency care system to help
The family who suffer and struggle and approach risk daily like us.
I feel I controlled by an evil spirit,
Since I’m controlled by my beloved son.
My beloved autistic son seems controlled by a strong evil.
I’m praying and praying
Please give us peace and peace
I wish:
Peace home,
Peace night,
Peace sleep,
Peace soul,
Peace son,
Peace to have a cup of tea,
Peace to walk in the park in sunshine day,
Peace to watch TV,
Peace to use Internet.
Peace is Your great present to human
But it is so precious for me now.
Oh God,
Is this way that you test my faith?
Oh God,
Is this the way you try to make my spirit stronger?
I’m suffering.
I’m through the darkness now.
I’m in ordeal.
I feel I controlled by an evil spirit,
Since I’m controlled by my beloved son.
My beloved autistic son seems controlled by a strong evil.
If there was an evil exist,
Please release from my son.
Every child is innocent.
You shouldn’t catch them.
Children should be happy and enjoy their young life.
If there was an evil exist,
Please release from my son.
Please allow my son open eyes in school to play with other children happily.
If there was an evil exist,
Please release from my son.
Please open my son’s mouth to let him speak the word “Sunshine.”
Oh, my dearest God,
Please listen our prayer.
Please using your strong power to
Remove the darkness and evil spirit from our life.
Please deliver
Your joy and happy and peace to every family who are calling on You.
Tags: help my child, how to survive child's disability?, what does my child need?
